• About us
• What does forced marriage mean?
• What happens to me?
• Emotional Outburst
• Consequences of Forced Marriage
• Your Rights
• Counselling and protection
• Our offer
• FAQ
• Links / Assistance in NRW

 

We commit ourselves to all those girls and women in distress or suffering from a crises and seeking advice, support and protection. Besides a counselling centre, a refuge and a community we now offer an online counselling service with regard to the topic of forced marriage.

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Our online counselling centre for the protection against forced marriage employs women between 35 and 50 years from different cultures, talking German, Turkish and Kurdish.

You may even write us e-mails in Arab or Albanian, as we have a confidential cooperation with a translation office, translating such e-mails. Who contacts us may rely on us that we will treat any information strictly confidential. Our counselling service is anonymous. Neither third party will learn about our contact discussions, as our whole team, as well as the interpreters and/ or translators are bound to professional discretion.

We assist you to take your own decision:

• if you are uncertain about your future plans
• if you plan your life in a different way to the idea of your parents
• if you are afraid of getting married against your will
• if you have already been forced to a marriage against your will.

There are alternatives and ways out! There are people being able to support you, who know your situation quite well and who accept your culture!

You would like to contact somebody

• who understands you and your fears and supports you?
• who takes you serious as well as your wishes and plans for the future?
• with whom you can be upfront no matter which topic?
• who can help you to take a decision most suitable for you?

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Take your chance and make the first move! We will support you. Together we will find a solution – no matter how hopeless you may consider your situation. If necessary, we can search a protected and secrete accommodation for you, where you will be protected against threat and violence.

There are even boys and young men threatened by forced marriage who need assistance and support. If you are in such a situation, you may contact us, too, of course. We will be pleased to assist you to find some suitable counselling centres!

Say no to forced marriage! We will help!

 

 

We talk about forced marriage, if your parents or your family decide who you have to marry, you, however, do not want to marry the selected partner at all. With forced marriage, nobody asks you about your intention, whether you want to marry at all and particularly who you love.

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If you do not want to marry, you did not agree with a marriage, you are browbeaten and feel like being forced, then it is a forced marriage.

You have the right to decide freely, if and who you wish to marry! Love and marriage must not be forced! A forced marriage has nothing to do with religion!

If you are not willing to marry, maybe your family will exert pressure on you. They will try to urge you to marry. There are different forms of pressure, such as:

• Parents, brothers or sisters or other relatives blame you that you family will lose their honour
• Blackmail (remaining silent, ignoring, no longer talking to each other, curfew, ban on contact, no pocket money)
• Insulting you
• Threats to take you to the home country of your parents
• Physical and/ or sexualized violence (threatening to hit you, hit or mistreat you).

Forced marriage or arranged marriage?

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It is not always simple and possible to clearly differ between a forced marriage and an arranged marriage. A decisive criteria is, whether any pressure is exerted on you, and if you have the chance to say ‘no’. It depends on your personal evaluation, whether there is a forced marriage or not and what is to be considered as a constraint.

So you may feel a certain constraint, while your parents are considering their behaviour as ‚soft pressure’. There are girls and boys accepting the person chosen by their parents as their spouse who however have the final say themselves with the decision. Forced marriage means that the marriage is celebrated against the will of the bride or groom. Lot of pressure is exerted on you, and a refusal may have bad consequences for you.

 

 

Take any hint absolutely serious! Quite often, it happens that marriage plans are announced beforehand. Before such plans are realised, you may benefit from our assistance!

Maybe you realise strange situations, not knowing how to behave. Your parents and relatives compliment you much more often than they did in the past, such as e.g. that you have become a woman and reached the marriageable age.

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Sometimes, parents are afraid of losing their honour. When the daughter is old enough to marry, she, however, is not prepared to do so. Eventually, she has got a boy-friend who is not accepted by her parents. As a consequence, many families are afraid that such a girl will lose her virginity.

Sometimes, parents are afraid that their daughter could lose respect toward them; they want to keep influencing their daughter. If, for instance, their daughter has got a boy-friend from another culture or religion, the parents are afraid that their daughter will be influenced in a negative way and might become addicted to a decadent western lifestyle.

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By means of a quick marriage they want their daughter to respect her father and his authority, in order to strengthen the traditional attachments. By means of a quick marriage their daughter shall be lead to the right path again.

You, however, want to live another life. Maybe you want to marry one day, but maybe not now, and not a man who you do not know; particularly not a man with whom you are not in love with!

 

 

Your mother was very important to you. She used to act as a mediator between you and your father when important decisions had to be taken. Sometimes, she even protected you against your father, as she did not tell him everything that had happened.

Maybe you feel disappointed and upset now because of your mother, when your father announces solemnly that he has chosen a man for you who you are about to marry soon – and your mother behaves in a passive way, i.e. helpless, not being able to cope with the situation.

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She tells you that Mum and Dad have always wanted the best for you and that it is usual that they chose a man for you. She does not understand you and does not want to understand you. She even dismisses you. You know that the opinions of relatives and neighbours have always been very important to your mother, in this situation, however, you expect her to support you.

Instaed,you feel browbesten by your mother and father. They want you to marry and urge you, maybe even using violence by e.g. ignoring, blaming, hitting or threatening you.

You think

• ‘It is too late now; nobody can help me any more. There is no way out any more’.
• that you must be ashamed that something like that has happened to you and that your own parents are doing that to you
• that it would be better to forget about all that and not to think of it any more
• that you betray your own tradition. You do not want that your parents appear in a bad light
• that you are outcasted and condemned by your family – those people you love. You do not want to be treated as an underdog but wish to continue your previous life; you wish to live a normal life, so to speak
• that you are left alone
• that you are not encouraged enough to stand all that trouble
• that nobody accepts you saying ‘no’ and that nobody respects you.

"I indeed was bothered by the fact that my parents were angry with me or that people talked about me. However, it was quite clear to me that I have to be egoistic now, to become happy in the end. I did not have to make my parents happy or him." (Source: ‘Urged to marriage’, a report of Behare, 22 years old, divorced, in: ‘Forced marriage. Life long for honour", Terre des Femmes e.V., 2006)

Nobody has the right to force you to a marriage! You yourself have the right to decide, if and who you wish to marry! Forced marriage is forbidden by each religion!

 

 

Maybe you have plans and ideas for your future you will no longer be able to practise with a forced marriage. School and education are very important to you, for instance. Maybe school and education are important to you. If so, after your marriage, however, you will be expected to discontinue everything, leading to the fact that you will hardly have the possibility – neither now, nor later – to earn some money independently. As a consequence, you will become even more dependent on your husband and his family.

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Maybe you like the idea of moving to your own flat after your marriage and trust that you will be released from any rules and duties in your parents’ house, then. Maybe you are even promised a lot. Often, however, you have to cope with new rules and expectations again after your marriage – those of your husband and his family. They expect you to obey them. Maybe, you will not be allowed to meet your girl-friends any more or to leave the house. Even the education of your future children will be taken over by others in the worst case.

 

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When you are married, you may be expected to have sex with your husband. If you are not able to do so and/ or you do not want to do so, as you do not love him, he might try to force you to do so using violence. Such experiences may stress you very much – even that much that you will hardly stand the daily fear.

All that may lead to the consequence that you feel being left alone and helpless. Your mother, siblings, or any other people you trust, are no longer to help or protect you as they should as they do not want to take a hand in your marriage. They think your husband has the right to behave in a way he deems to be the best.

Then, many girls become more and more silent, sad and depressive. They often fall ill, get a headache or pain in the stomach. Due to their grief, some girls eat a lot or nothing at all or even hurt themselves. Some girls are so unhappy that they even think of suicide as the only way out.

 

 

You decide who you marry!

Foto: FreeVicente

Nobody has the right – not even your parents or your family(!) – to force you to a marriage.

Nobody has the right – not even your parents or your family – to chose a partner for you against your will.

Forced marriages violate human rights, the existence of which is acknowledged by almost any states in the world today. Of course, forced marriages are forbidden according to the Basic Constitutional Law of the Federal Republic of Germany.

Thus, a marriage may only be celebrated due to the voluntary and complete declaration of intent of the future spouses.

Not depending on your age and nationality the following is applicable: Forced marriage is not to be justified by any tradition or religion!

 

Forced marriage is a criminal act!

The German criminal code does not allow anyone – not even your family – to threaten you with violence or to use violence, in order to force you to a marriage.

There are different aspects of violence:

• If you are hit and/or misused
• If you are offended, abased, depreciated or threatened
• If you are locked out
• If basic needs are refused to you (e.g. food, health, school)
• If you are not allowed to do an education.

 

What you have to note when you leave Germany preliminary

If you do not have the German citizenship, the following informations are very important to you:

If you have a stay permit for Germany and your parents want you to get married in their home country, you have to get back to Germany within six months in general, otherwise your stay permit will expire.

The Ausländerbehörde [foreign office] at your place of residence may prolong this term in particular cases (§51 of the German Aufenthaltsgesetz [law to stay in Germany] ).

We will fight for your rights, give you the required informing and support you!

 

 

If you have not turned 18 years yet, you may contact

• us, the online counselling service for the protection against forced marriage of Mädchenhaus Bielefeld. With online counselling you don`t have to be afraid that somebody gets to know that you have asked for assistance, as we treat your problems anonymously. We discuss any step with you we will undertake. On request, we arrange some local counselling possibilities for you. You yourself decide what is going to happen. We are supporting you!
• a girls’ counselling centre. There you will get some advice and support. The educationists will accompany you to other appointments, too, if requested. You will find some corresponding offers under assistance in NRW.
• a girls’ refuge (assistance in NRW). There you will be protected against threat and violence. There you will be accommodated anonymously, if requested. That may also be done without your parents’ consent, if you are no longer protected at home.
• the Jugendamt [youth welfare office]. There you will get some advice and support. If you are no longer safe at home, the Jugendamt will accommodate you at a secret and safe place (custody). You will reach the Jugendamt in each city under the phone number of the Stadtverwaltung [city council]. Often, there is an emergency phone line of the Jugendamt for girls/ women in distress which you may contact. We are also well prepared to arrange a local educationist for you who will accompany you to the Jugendamt.

These offers of assistance are free of charge for you!

 

If you are older than 18 years,

• you may contact us, the online counselling service for the protection against forced marriage of Mädchenhaus Bielefeld. With online counselling you don`t have to be afraid that somebody gets to know that you have asked for assistance , as we treat your problems anonymously. We discuss anything with you we undertake. On request we arrange some local counselling possibilities for you. You alone decide what is going to happen. We are supporting you!
• you may contact a girls’ counselling centre (assistance in NRW).
• you may contact a women’s counselling centre (assistance in NRW).
• you may contact a women’s refuge or another refuge for protection and accommodation (assistance in NRW)
• you may contact The Jugendamt. You will reach the Jugendamt in each city under the phone number of the Stadtverwaltung [city council]. Often, there is an emergency phone line of the Jugendamt for girls/ women in distress which you may contact. We are also well prepared to arrange a local educationist for you who will accompany you to the Jugendamt.
• you may contact a women’s emergency phone (assistance in NRW)
• you may contact an equal opportunity institution (to reach via the city council)
• you may contact an intercultural office (to reach via the city council)
• you may contact an intercultural counselling centre (assistance in NRW)

These offers of assistance are free of charge for you!

 

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It is always a good thing, if you ask any teachers,(school-/)soial and/ or your friends for assistance. You will be able to make appointments together with them or have discussions while they are present. Be always reassured that those people you tell your problems, do not inform anybody about them and do not undertake any steps without your knowledge and/ or consent.

Basically, there is the possibility of contacting a lawyer, too. If you are in big distress or in emergency cases you may even contact the local police office. The police knows those institutions too, that can immediately organise some accommodation (custody) for you.

If you wish to get some further information about any laws, please see legal aspects on the pages for confidents.

In any case: You may always get some advice and support with the online counselling service for the protection against forced marriage. That’s our job!

 

 

Online counselling

• Here, you get advice and support, if you are threatened by forced marriage or if you have already been forced to a marriage.
• We provide you with information and support free of charge to protect you against forced marriage.
• Here, you can get some anonymous advice regarding the topic of forced marriage. Everything you write or tell us is treated confidentially. On your request, nobody will learn that you have contacted us! (Terms of use).
• We can arrange contact with some appropriate counselling centres in your city. If you are in distress, we will assist you in finding a protected and anonymous accommodation.
• We will care for you. We exclusively employ female consultants having lots of professional experience to support girls and young women in distress and/ or emergency situations.
• Of course, we also advise boys and send them to corresponding institutions.
• Information is available in different languages: In German, Turkish, Arabian, English, Kurdish and Albanian. We speak German, Turkish and Kurdish. As regards other languages we use interpreters.

 

You may also reach us by phone!

Telephone number: 05 21 / 5 21 68 79

• Mo: 9.30 am – 4.30 pm, 1.00 pm - 2.00 pm Chat
• Wed: 9.30 am – 1.30 pm
• Thurs:0.30 pm – 7.00 pm, Chat: 3.30 pm - 4.30 pm
• Fri: 9.30 am – 1.30 pm

Of course, we also advise relatives and confidants of the girls as well as professional helpers (social pedagogues and pedagogues, educators, teachers etc.) who are confronted with the topic due to their job.

 

Where you get some information

We provide some information at:

• Schools
• Youth centres
• Family centres
• Girls’ projects
• Workshops

and other institutions focussing on the topic. If necessary, any institutions mentioned above may contact us.

 

 

Here is the FAQ list. FAQ means ‘frequently asked questions’. Such questions are always asked by people affected or relatives. You may join us and make some suggestions, if a question important for you is not answered or if you would like to add something.

just send an email to: zwangsheirat@maedchenhaus-bielefeld.de

 

1. Who may I contact, if I want to ask for assistance without my parents knowing something about it?

• First of all you may contact the Online counselling for the protection against forced marriage. You don't need to be worried as regards online counselling, as we treat your problems anonymously. On your request, nobody will get to know that you have asked for some assistance. We discuss with you everything we will undertake. If requested, we even arrange some local counselling possibilities for you in your city. You alone decide what shall happen and we will assist you.

 

2. How does online counselling work?

• Our offer is free of charge for you. You login once with a name and password selected by you. Thus, you will always be able to access your own ‘mailbox’. Data transfer is effected in an encrypted way. Your request is treated confidentially, as we are bound to professional discretion. We will reply to you as soon as possible. We answer e-mails in Arabian and Albanian, too, whereas the answers could take a little longer here (as such e-mails have to be translated first).

 

3. Who may use online counselling?

• Online counselling is available to anybody who likes to get some more information about the protection against forced marriage. We advise and support girls and young women - those who are threatened by forced marriage or those who have already been forced to a marriage. Of course, we advise relatives and confidants of the girls too, as well as professional helpers (social pedagogues and pedagogues, educators, teachers etc.) who are confronted with the topic due to their job and who ask for advice. Of course, we advise even boys, if necessary, and send them to the corresponding institutions.

 

4. Who will reply to me?

• An employee of our counselling centre will reply to your message. In order to assure a personal support, always the same employee will reply to your messages. Only women work with us. We are an intercultural team, where consulting is done in different languages - among others in Turkish and Kurdish. All advisors have lots of professional experience in supporting girls and young women in distress and/ or emergency situations.

 

5. Does the use of online counselling cost something?

• No, both the use of the website and login for online counselling is free of charge. There are just your usual costs to use the internet.

 

6. I am under age and would like to use online counselling. Do my parents have to get informed?

• No, we will not tell your parents that you use online counselling, even if you are still under age.

 

7. Are my parents allowed to marry me to a man against my will when I am still under age?

• NO! A marriage can only be celebrated, if you are of full age and agree to it. A marriage not having been celebrated in the registry office is not legally binding (that means: It is invalid according to law).

 

 

If you need some support close to you or any further information, you will find some contact addresses here: assistance in NRW and links. Or contact us through our online counselling service.